The Red Herring

Discovered this guy’s blog today. Some great advice: “54 girls to avoid these holidays”. Especially for you, Dylan.

My favourites:

#9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she’s in a romantic comedy for teens.

#23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she’s figured out guys. She hasn’t. She’ll fuck everything up all the while thinking she’s very clever about men.

#47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won’t do drugs with you.

I’m calling out from Scatland
I’m calling out from Scatman’s world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy. (2x)

Everybody’s talkin’ something very shockin’ just to
Keep on blockin’ what they’re feelin’ inside but
But listen to me brother, you just keep on walkin’ ’cause
You and me and sister ain’t got nothin’ to hide.

Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man
Tell me ’bout the colour of your soul.
If part of your solution isn’t ending the pollution
Then I don’t want to hear your stories told.
I want to welcome you to Scatman’s world

(Scatting by Scatman John)

I’m calling out from Scatland
I’m calling out from Scatman’s world.
If you wanna break free you better listen to me.
You got to learn how to see in your fantasy.

Everyone’s born to compete as he chooses
But how can someone win if winning means that someone loses.
I sit and see and wonder what it’s like to be in touch.
No wonder all my brothers and my sisters need a crutch.

I want to be a human being not a human not a human doing.
I couldn’t keep that pace up if I tried.
The source of my intention really isn’t crime prevention.
My intention is prevention of the lie (yeah)
Welcome to the Scatman’s world

(Scatting by Scatman John)
(Course) I’m calling out from Scatland…
(Scatting by Scatman John)
(Course)I’m calling out from Scatland…
Listen to me.
(Course)I’m calling out from Scatland…
(Scatting by Scatman John)

In Your Fantasy
(Scatting by Scatman Jonh)
(Course)I’m calling out from Scatland…
(Scatting by Scatman Jonh)

Scatman, fat man, black and white and brown man
Tell me ’bout the colour of your soul.
If part of your solution isn’t ending the pollution
Then I don’t want to hear your stories told.
I want to welcome you to Scatman’s world

(Course)I’m calling out from Scatland…
(Course)I’m calling out from Scatland…
(Scatting by Scatman Jonh)
I wanna welcome you to Scatmans World

Fuck, I still piss myself everytime I run across this. You’ve probably seen it; it’s been around for years. It’s a series of IRC conversations by a guy calling himself Bloodninja. Remember teenage cyber-sessions on mIRC? Someone should really do a Mxit spin-off.

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don’t know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i’m a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it’s just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don’t play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn’t get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

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